Fear

"What is it that you fear?".
I don't know, I haven't thought about it". That's the easy reply...usually gives you some breathing space.
"Well there has to be something...death, do you fear death?".
"No I don't."
"How can you not fear death, everyone...even the bravest of all men fear death."
"Then I'm different."
"Elaborate further..."
"Hmmm...death is something that's unknown to most of us, (well all of us actually) so how can i be scared of something unknown."
"I agree, death is something unknown...but what you and most people are scared of ; is losing contact with the known"

This was the conversation I was having with my friend...my alter ego. Yes I like to believe I have one...and no I'm not scared of him... But last night was when I really and truely gave it a thought. There has to be something that I must be scared of besides horror films (this is an admission for those who don't know...I am shit scared of horror films). And as I was thinking late into the night I heard my phone ring.

Now it's a different thing when your phone rings at 8 at night. I mean fine it's no big deal. When your phone rings at 1 in the morning you get a sick feeling in the gut. It was my cousin calling. And I felt fear....I experienced fear like never before. Why was my cousin calling so late. The first thought was something is wrong....maybe my uncle or aunt are really sick and so he's calling me. The next thought was worse....maybe something's happened back home and he's calling me to tell me about it. I answered the phone and he could make out from my "hello" that I was fearing the worst. Thankfully he had called up to ask me something entirely irrelevant. But I got my answer.

I realized that living alienated in this country breeds fear. And I started thinking about the worst scenarios. What will my reaction be when I get that dreaded call....Silently I pray not to ever get it...but deep within I know that maybe someday I will. That is fear... I realized that the fear that I have about possibly not getting the H1, or the fear of not finding a good first job back home is nothing compared to this fear...This fear hits you harder than you can think.

"Now you know what I fear."
"Yes, I do. But I have a feeling deep inside you knew this all along. You knew this the time you came to this country. You were just avoiding thinking about it. I'm glad to know you've come to accept it now.....Are you sure you aren't scared of having me though???"