The Big Fat Indian Wedding

Fortunately or unfortunately I've had the experience of attending several Indian weddings (not yet attended any wedding for white ppl...my white friends make note of this, it's a very open hint that you'll need to invite me for a wedding soon). It's fascinating how weddings in different cultures in India are so different and yet on the day of the Bidai the girl's family almost always ends up in tears. Now being a Maharashtrian this sounds very bad, but the fact of the matter is that Maharashtrian weddings are among the most bring weddings ever. There's the priest chanting away his shlokas to glory in Sanskrit and nobody else sitting there has a clue of what the guy is saying. However the common thing in all Indian weddings is the kind of people you meet here.

The Patriarch: Usually the father of the groom or some elderly gentleman in the family who is in charge of things. Most frequently he is found to be courteous, is greeting everybody and trying his best to ensure that all the guests are looked after properly.

The Pseudo Patriarch: This is the jealous guy who wanted to be the patriarch and tried his hardest to be one, but for obvious reasons was neither given the respect nor the responsibility. He's the one who tries to show to everyone that it is really he who is in charge of the proceedings and is often seen barking orders at the young men (usually the bride's or the groom's cousins).

The Matriarch: She is ALWAYS the groom's mother who is taking all the pains the ensure everyone knows that this is her special day (well she likes to believe it). She makes it a point to ensure that the photographer will click more pics of hers than anyone else and will probably change more sets of clothes than the bride or the groom.

The Pseudo Matriarch: She's the bitch in the family and she knows it. Every family has one, like it or not. Again for obvious reasons attempts are made to sideline her, but hey vamps and bitches know how to get the limelight. She will be the one always taunting everyone, telling them how what they are wearing doesn't really suit their personality and so on and so forth. Do I really need to describe the behavior of bitches?

The obnoxious welcomer: This is one guy you don't one to meet, and this is also the guy you can never avoid! He is standing right at the entrance with a huge smile on his face. I never quite understand why is he so happy? Fine there is a wedding and someone here is getting married, why the fuck are you so happy about it? He will also want to make sure that you meet his aunt's second cousin's niece who is your age so that 'you can get to know each other well, after all it's your turn next'.

The cranky kid: This is the kid that should have been left at home, but either his/her parent's didn't find a babysitter (I don't blame babysitter's) or simply didn't have consideration for others in the wedding. Invariably this kid will be crying, not just sobbing or wailing, but howling at the top of his voice for no apparent reason. To make matters worse he/she will be wearing those irritating squeaky shoes that make noise (not sound.... noise) when the kids walk. I don't understand what kind of warped sense of humor the parent's have that they decide to buy these shoes for their kids. Soon this kid decides to turn into an engine or worse still an aeroplane and starts hovering around you. These are those kids that should be tripped when no one is looking and when they fall they will cry for five minutes and then probably shut up for the rest of the evening. Revenge is sweet :).

Buffet chatters: Ok I get it, you are getting free food, but dude move it. How much can you eat in a meal? And why is it necessary to stand in the line, stare at the food, ask about where the chicken was purchased, how much oil was used in preparing it, are the rotis fresh. If I was the caterer I would most likely have replied, " The chicken was actually dead 3 years ago but don't worry we tested it for bird flu and the results were inconclusive, the oil really was hair oil that our cook uses and we decided to cut costs so she just squeezed it out of her hair, and as for the rotis, sir these were the left overs from the wedding we did last week. Now since you are so old and already have one foot in the grave we just decided to help you along."

The drunkards: These are undoubtedly my favourites. There are some who make a lot of noise, start dancing, generally are happy for no reason and make sure that they get taken care of (usually by getting themselves thrown out). The quiet drinkers are the more dangerous ones. They will drink and start telling stories about themselves. They will start telling you about how they were the ones who really were the brains behind the success of the growing economy, how they fought famous wars, how they almost became the PM of India. This is not a conversation, it's almost like a theatrical monologue that is performed especially for you. There is only one way to end this misery, by asking them a wild question like, "Wasn't it you that was living with two wives at the same time and having an affair with your boss' secretary?"

The all important Priest: No Indian wedding is completed without this guy. For some unknown reason he is the guy given the most importance! I mean do you job, take your money, eat and go na! But no, he will make sure that everyone in the bride and the groom's close family will touch his feet, he will unfailingly throw some tantrum and make sure that everyone comes running to him to apologize b'coz the bananas are not the right color of yellow that he had asked for. In Maharashtrian weddings what is worse is that he creates this hawan ensuring that there is smoke everywhere in the wedding hall, causing pollution and giving that cranky kid one more reason to cry.

So as they say, after eating the shaadi ka ladoo in this case it is not the bride or the groom who regret it. It is souls like you and me who end up regretting going there in the first place!